C is for cancer

in an update from the last post it appears that my dad has cancer, not just in his lungs, but on his hip and in his arm.  i know my dad and hes the type that just wants to know what it is, try to treat it and go on living his life.

no timelines for anything or specific treatments yet.  in the next few days ill know all of it, including if cancer is hereditary and im at a huge risk.  but, lets be honest, avoiding cancer at this point seems impossible no matter what your family history is.  we all die from something and be it cancer, a car crash, heart attack, or a broken heart, it happens and you cant escape death.  the weight of mortality is probably the biggest motivation we have to do things in life and accomplish our goals.  if you didnt have to worry about death and dying there would be no rush for anything to happen in your life.  time weighs so heavy on us all, but what really is time besides perception? until the railroad system was initiated in the us, the majority of americans didnt own/wear watches on a daily basis.  no schedule, no need.  i admire that.

on top of death and taxes, i think love/heartache need to be added to the list of the unavoidable.  having just come out of a 1 yr stint that just didnt work, although i tried and tried and watching a friend deal with 2.5+ yrs not working, makes you evaluate yourself a little more.  sometimes the scariest thing you can do is look in the mirror and say "im not happy, what the hell do i do now?"  we all deserve a chance at being happy, whatever that is. 

i remember when my grandmom got sick and went into the hosptial, my grandfather, who was in a lot of pain wouldnt say a word in fear of taking attention away from my grandmothers medical problems.  as it turned out, he had bladder cancer and his life would be cut short in months, 2 yrs before hers.  one thing we all knew was that if my grandmom had died first, he wouldnt have lasted more than a week and would have let go in order to be with her.  its hard, at 28 to imagine loving someone(besides family) so much that youd rather not live a day without them, but its real and exists.  there were so many things i admired about my grandfather and if im ever considered to be half the man he was i would be proud.  hes with me forever, torches together, hand in hand.