thirty thirty, gimmie a double cheeseburger and a 40!

dear 30,

i love you, but you got me fat. im talking taco bell cheeks, wendys thighs, burger king elbows and single malt kneecaps. yeah, you know what im talking about...now pass the fire sauce and hand me my scotch neat. my roommate tells me im fat all the time, but he told me that even when i had 6% body fat and rocked the chiseled physique of adonis(leaf and all/minus the incestuous parents). i recently saw photos of myself at a pool party and threw up a little bit in my mouth at the site of myself. i always made my old friends promise to stab me and let me bleed out if i got fat and im there(being extra careful in dark alleys, but id understand why it happened).

as a disclaimer, if you are overweight, thats your deal and im fine with that. but, lets be honest, we got there the lazy way by eating deep fried slabs of bacon, dipped in a delicious sriracha butter sauce. what do i blame my weight gain on? well, first i blamed my stepmom for feeding me too much when i see her, but that doesnt happen often enough to bake these rolls. my other thing i blame? running two businesses and not wanting to do anything, including prepare food.

so, my goal this year is to maybe kick it off with a water fast for 10 days or do the lemonade one again! then, get back into my beefcakes workout program and get back to benching 410lbs, doing 3 hrs of crunches a day and having severe back pain. really though, i just need to eat better and work out on a somewhat regular basis. being 30 makes it hard enough to meet people, let alone carrying around the extra weight of a small child clung to your hidden, secretly chiseled abs.

if this offends you cause your mom is overweight or you struggle with weight issues yourself, too bad.